Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Poop Denier

Now you’ve heard of the crazy holocaust and climate change deniers. My son was once a poop denier. He was 3 with inconsistent progress on the potty training front.  I really thought we were making headway. We had a “poogress” chart with little pictures of Mr. Hankey. I even wrote a song for him called Mr Poo Poo Man.

Mr. Poo Poo Man wants to go swimming
Mr. Poo Poo Man he’s got some clout
He can make you dance or grunty in your pants if you don’t let him out! 

The reason I thought all this was working is he broke into that song and dance at Target, church, and even the DMV, much to the chagrin of domestic management. 

So one day, I’m working from home. I put him in the playroom and explain in very clear unambiguous terms that I’m going to be on an important phone call and he needs to tend to his own “business” as it were. 

Some time later, and on cross-examination I could not recall exactly how long, I walked back towards the playroom. The fragrant aroma greeted me well before I made the threshold.  And there he was at the train table with what appeared to be an eggplant sized biscuit in the basket. I was only grateful it was contained, this time. But I was very disappointed at the regression.

I called him over with my best scowly voice. He waddled over with the loaf flapping behind him. “What is that?! I barked.  “What?” he said looking puzzled. I continued angrily. “What’s with the huge load in your drawers there Bubba? What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Oh…..well, Papai, um….. I was pwaying wif my twains and my diaper wasn’t fitting wight so I took it off and put it in da corner.  When I put it back on dere was this poo in it. But it’s not mine.” Shaking his head quickly, “It’s not my poop Papa, and I don’t know who made it.”

I was all at once incredulous, exasperated and amazed. I come from a long line of tall tail yarners who never let the truth get in the way of a good story but this, this sets a new bar and at barely 3! I said “Wait! Your going to stand here and tell me that the poop in YOUR pants is not yours but someone else’s?”

Clear eyed and straight faced without so much as a tremor in his voice, he quickly adds “I know, huh”.

I didn’t know if I should drop the hammer or put him in law school. I thought he’ll make a fine politician some day.